This morning, I stepped on the scale, full of trepidation because I was really hoping to be back below 200. The needle (yes, I'm still in the dark ages) bouced between 199.5 and 200. I decided 199 was a fair estimate, because I forgot to weigh myself before I got dressed, and was wearing some undergarments and stockings at the time. We'll see what the damage is tomorrow....
Today I had a luna bar and tons of coffee for breakfast; a snack-size cheese, crackers, and turkey for lunch (and a bite-sized piece of chocolate). Around 3:00 the hunger pangs got the better of me, and I bought a package of licorice from the vending machine at work. A bowl of cereal between work and my daughter's girl scout meeting, then two slices of lite veggie pizza (tombstone, not bad) for dinner. I just split an orange with my kids, and now... I really want ice cream, but... I want to be skinny more!!!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Day 1
Is this really day one? Not really. Not at all.
I started gaining weight after a traumatic childhood experience. I hated the way the other kids teased me, telling me my "silicone would melt in the sun." Or when I had a huge crush on that ultimate golden-boy type who told a friend of mine, "What?! I could never like her. She's a fat, disgusting pig." So I lived on canned tuna and plain lettuce for two weeks, lost 20 pounds, and made the cheerleading squad. I was not just skinny, I was HOT. I had an almost-perfect 36-26-36 figure. I was on top of the world.
A few years later, a bout with mono that kept me indoors for several months (but sadly did not affect my appetite), caused me to gain quite a bit of weight. I graduated high school at 170 lbs. -- way too heavy for my 5'3" frame.
A bad breakup and 25 a pound loss later, I was not at my cheerleader weight, but 145 felt awfully good. I would have high swings up to about 155. I felt sexy again... I went swing dancing and dated, and dated, and well... had fun... enjoyed life.
Then... I got engaged, and lived with someone else for the first time in several years. My nights of burning off stress from work at the gym, followed by a glass of red wine and a hot bath, were over. Insted, I find myself savoring my (now-husband's) amazing Chicken Parmagiana and eating Ben & Jerry's in the bathtub ("here honey - it will help you relax"). I shouldn't let him do it, but my husband sabotages me. When my wedding gown, on back order for nine months arrived, I had to have it let out and it barely zipped.
Then my first child.... and the first time in my life I weighed over 200 pounds. Lost MOST of it, got pregnant again. After second child I weighed 195. Then I went back to work, too much fast food, experimted with various unhealthy forms of horomonal birth control.... and suddenly I weighed 219 pounds. I was only 7 pounds less than my highest pregnancy weight. I was ashamed, embarassed. My career started to go downhill because I lacked self-confidence. My boss actually wrote on my review that I had lost my assertiveness and had become a less effective supervisor. Ouch.
Then came my daughter's fifth birthday. I asked someone else to take the pictures so I could run the party. I usually take the pictures. Suddenly I remembered why. If I was taking them, I wasn't IN them. When I saw my huge thighs that I could not even cross to sit properly, I was so ashamed. So humiliated.
I started walking. I stopped eating dinner-sized meals at lunchtime, and eating an entire meal's worth of 'seconds' at the dinner table. I stopped serving dessert after breakfast. (Yes, my kids - who are not overweight and thankfully active - actually thought pudding came after every meal).
My goal was to get back to 195 by the time my step-daughter (with whom I have a mutual hate relationship)flew into town from her college for Thanksgiving. The day her flight arrived, I was at 196. Close enough!
So I re-gained a very little bit over the holidays... my bloated PMS weight this morning was 202. I'm devastated because I thought I'd never see that 200 on the scale again. So this is my fresh start -- my way of holding myself accountable. I will blog about my weight loss journey. I will cry and write and let it all come pouring out into cyberspace -- until I am back to my sexy 155.
Here we are... 17 pounds down... 47 pounds to go....
I started gaining weight after a traumatic childhood experience. I hated the way the other kids teased me, telling me my "silicone would melt in the sun." Or when I had a huge crush on that ultimate golden-boy type who told a friend of mine, "What?! I could never like her. She's a fat, disgusting pig." So I lived on canned tuna and plain lettuce for two weeks, lost 20 pounds, and made the cheerleading squad. I was not just skinny, I was HOT. I had an almost-perfect 36-26-36 figure. I was on top of the world.
A few years later, a bout with mono that kept me indoors for several months (but sadly did not affect my appetite), caused me to gain quite a bit of weight. I graduated high school at 170 lbs. -- way too heavy for my 5'3" frame.
A bad breakup and 25 a pound loss later, I was not at my cheerleader weight, but 145 felt awfully good. I would have high swings up to about 155. I felt sexy again... I went swing dancing and dated, and dated, and well... had fun... enjoyed life.
Then... I got engaged, and lived with someone else for the first time in several years. My nights of burning off stress from work at the gym, followed by a glass of red wine and a hot bath, were over. Insted, I find myself savoring my (now-husband's) amazing Chicken Parmagiana and eating Ben & Jerry's in the bathtub ("here honey - it will help you relax"). I shouldn't let him do it, but my husband sabotages me. When my wedding gown, on back order for nine months arrived, I had to have it let out and it barely zipped.
Then my first child.... and the first time in my life I weighed over 200 pounds. Lost MOST of it, got pregnant again. After second child I weighed 195. Then I went back to work, too much fast food, experimted with various unhealthy forms of horomonal birth control.... and suddenly I weighed 219 pounds. I was only 7 pounds less than my highest pregnancy weight. I was ashamed, embarassed. My career started to go downhill because I lacked self-confidence. My boss actually wrote on my review that I had lost my assertiveness and had become a less effective supervisor. Ouch.
Then came my daughter's fifth birthday. I asked someone else to take the pictures so I could run the party. I usually take the pictures. Suddenly I remembered why. If I was taking them, I wasn't IN them. When I saw my huge thighs that I could not even cross to sit properly, I was so ashamed. So humiliated.
I started walking. I stopped eating dinner-sized meals at lunchtime, and eating an entire meal's worth of 'seconds' at the dinner table. I stopped serving dessert after breakfast. (Yes, my kids - who are not overweight and thankfully active - actually thought pudding came after every meal).
My goal was to get back to 195 by the time my step-daughter (with whom I have a mutual hate relationship)flew into town from her college for Thanksgiving. The day her flight arrived, I was at 196. Close enough!
So I re-gained a very little bit over the holidays... my bloated PMS weight this morning was 202. I'm devastated because I thought I'd never see that 200 on the scale again. So this is my fresh start -- my way of holding myself accountable. I will blog about my weight loss journey. I will cry and write and let it all come pouring out into cyberspace -- until I am back to my sexy 155.
Here we are... 17 pounds down... 47 pounds to go....
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