Day 1

Is this really day one?  Not really.  Not at all. 

I started gaining weight after a traumatic childhood experience.  I hated the way the other kids teased me, telling me my "silicone would melt in the sun."  Or when I had a huge crush on that ultimate golden-boy type who told a friend of mine, "What?!  I could never like her.  She's a fat, disgusting pig." So I lived on canned tuna and plain lettuce for two weeks, lost 20 pounds, and made the cheerleading squad.  I was not just skinny, I was HOT.  I had an almost-perfect 36-26-36 figure.  I was on top of the world.

A few years later, a bout with mono that kept me indoors for several months (but sadly did not affect my appetite), caused me to gain quite a bit of weight.  I graduated high school at 170 lbs. -- way too heavy for my 5'3" frame.

A bad breakup and 25 a pound loss later, I was not at my cheerleader weight, but 145 felt awfully good.  I would have high swings up to about 155.  I felt sexy again... I went swing dancing and dated, and dated, and well... had fun... enjoyed life.

Then... I got engaged, and lived with someone else for the first time in several years.  My nights of burning off stress from work at the gym, followed by a glass of red wine and a hot bath, were over.  Insted, I find myself savoring my (now-husband's) amazing Chicken Parmagiana and eating Ben & Jerry's in the bathtub ("here honey - it will help you relax").  I shouldn't let him do it, but my husband sabotages me.  When my wedding gown, on back order for nine months arrived, I had to have it let out and it barely zipped.

Then my first child.... and the first time in my life I weighed over 200 pounds.  Lost MOST of it, got pregnant again.  After second child I weighed  195.  Then I went back to work, too much fast food, experimted with various unhealthy forms of horomonal birth control.... and suddenly I weighed 219 pounds.  I was only 7 pounds less than my highest pregnancy weight.  I was ashamed, embarassed.  My career started to go downhill because I lacked self-confidence.  My boss actually wrote on my review that I had lost my assertiveness and had become a less effective supervisor.  Ouch.

Then came my daughter's fifth birthday.  I asked someone else to take the pictures so I could run the party.  I usually take the pictures.  Suddenly I remembered why.  If I was taking them, I wasn't IN them.  When I saw my huge thighs that I could not even cross to sit properly, I was so ashamed.  So humiliated. 

I started walking.  I stopped eating dinner-sized meals at lunchtime, and eating an entire meal's worth of 'seconds' at the dinner table.  I stopped serving dessert after breakfast.  (Yes, my kids - who are not overweight and thankfully active - actually thought pudding came after every meal).

My goal was to get back to 195 by the time my step-daughter (with whom I have a mutual hate relationship)flew into town from her college for Thanksgiving.  The day her flight arrived, I was at 196.  Close enough!

So I re-gained a very little bit over the holidays... my bloated PMS weight this morning was 202.  I'm devastated because I thought I'd never see that 200 on the scale again.  So this is my fresh start -- my way of holding myself accountable.  I will blog about my weight loss journey. I will cry and write and let it all come pouring out into cyberspace -- until I am back to my sexy 155. 

Here we are... 17 pounds down... 47 pounds to go....